The Second Glass

While most of us are all too familiar with the “pain phase” of our joyful imbibe-ment, most hangover knowledge is limited to a babble of “cures”, “preventative measures”, and other rubbish. I set out, through some mildly scientific hands on experimentation (drinking) and actual research to parse out something useful.

So, what do we actually know? Turns out, not much. Most of the poorly funded research I was able to unearth was riddled with admonishments from MADD about the evils of consumption and equivocating sentences such as: “most scientists conjecture that…” and “though not fully understood…”. The hangover is multi faceted and the only information I was able to confirm–by which I mean “read in three separate sources and assume to be mostly accurate”–is the following:

A hangover starts when blood alcohol levels start to fall. The brain releases compensatory neurotransmitters into the bloodstream. Since alcohol is a sedative, those neurotransmitters try to stimulate the opposite effect–waking you back up. This translates to shaking hands, increased heart rate, mild nausea, light and sound sensitivity, etc. In reality, this first stage is rather similar to what alcoholics (the “scratching their skin for imaginary bugs” kind, not the “going to the bar to binge-drink every night” kind) suffer during withdrawal.

Another facet relates to how your liver, a most noble organ, brakes down alcohol. Metabolization produces a toxic chemical called acetaldehyde. Acetaldehyde, when administered to the human body in experiments, causes common hangover symptoms. Ostensibly, once the liver has fully metabolized all of the alcohol in your system, ridding itself of the dreaded acetaldehyde by turning it into acetate, the symptoms should subside. However, as is easily ascertained by pounding back a few brutal hammers, even when the BAC has reached zero, negative symptoms persist.

Part of this persistence relates to congeners–bizarre little chemicals that are created as a by-product of distillation and fermentation. Congeners are not one chemical–they’re a whole suite of things lumped under one name–but they all contribute to your hangover. The alcohol that we like is ethanol, its ugly cousin methanol is one of the worst of the congeners. Methanol, when broken down by the body, turns into formaldehyde–embalming fluid. I suspect I can leave the reader to imagine why having embalming fluid tearing around your circulatory system would make you feel unpleasant. Congeners are found in far greater numbers in the booze that tastes better, e.g., scotches, red wines, congac and the like. There are fewer congeners in clear booze. Everyone drinking an dry vodka martini with a twist can sit back and laugh–until you realize that your drink doesn’t actually have any taste.

Aging a wine–or anything else–removes many of these chemicals. The longer it ages, the fewer exist. So, as we all sort of assumed, the rich have it better than us. Not only does their booze taste better, it delivers a more pleasant hangover.

Finally, the easiest part of the hangover to understand. Not only is alcohol a rather intense diuretic, it takes extra water to metabolize the stuff, so when you wake up, you’re incredibly dehydrated. Symptoms of dehydration? Take a guess.

Where are we now, with all of this new information?

Still hungover.