The Second Glass

It’s your turn. You’ve been mooching free meals off of your friends for months now and it’s about time you return the favor. To avoid being singled out as the parasite of the group, you have to throw some kind of get together. The problem…you have no money and like yourself, they’re big drinkers. Fortunately, we here at the Second Glass are well versed with cutting corners and being as much of a bon vivant as you can when you only have $32 in your checking account. Here are a few sneak-attacks in my repertoire:

The Theme Party:

Get nostalgia on your side and throw a “College Dorm” themed party. Establish the theme by telling all your friends that all the food must be either microwaved or cooked on a George Foreman grill. As far as alcohol goes, all you need is a handle of UV Vodka for $18, some cranberry juice, and a 30 rack of Natty Light. If anyone complains, tell them you’re just going for historical accuracy.

Throwing a theme party is a brilliant ruse that will make your friends think you are creative, hilarious, and a genuinely cool person to be around… suckers.

The Trojan Horse:

As with any plan that is named after Greek Mythology, the “Trojan Horse” involves a little bit of moral flexibility and a lot of wine consumption. This plan takes a wine that would normally be rejected and packages it differently to gain access to your guests’ stomachs. The difference is, unlike the Trojans, your guests will probably enjoy the contents of your proverbial horse.
The recommended weapon for this plan is a very practical 3-liter box of Free Range Bordeaux. Unlike other boxed wines that might say ‘California Chablis’ or ‘Burgundy’ from the Santa Cruz Mountains, this Bordeaux is actually made at Saint Savin in Bordeaux and it’s not bad. In fact, it’s kind of pleasant. The upside of this wine is that you get 4 bottles worth of wine for $30, it will easily be mistaken for a much pricier bottle, and since it won’t oxidize quickly, it can be saved for a couple weeks.

After your friends have arrived and get settled in, sneak off in to the kitchen. Pour some of the Free Range into a decanter and bring it out. Seeing some red in a decanter will automatically give them the impression of a serious wine that really warrants decanting. If you are a little more devious, you can find old, empty bottles of Lafite and Margaux on ebay for about $5 and fill one of those up. If you manage to pull it off, you will always be a hero in your friends’ eyes. That is, if the guilt doesn’t kill you first.

These plans aren’t quite foolproof, but if you pull them off, you’re in the clear. You will have done your duties as a friend and if they actually think you served them Lafite, think of the dinner party they’re going to feel obligated to throw!