The Second Glass

Congratulations! You’ve done it! That girl that works down the hall from you, whom you’ve been quasi-stalking for six months, spoke to you for the first time. You were playing Snood on your computer to kill time when she walked by and said, “Oh my God, I love that game.” From that point you pre¬tended you had work to do around her desk until you asked her out. Before you knew it, “Oh my God, I love that game,” materialized into a date Saturday night. This girl is way out of your league and you need more than your high score in Snood to lock this one up.

This is where wine comes in. You want to impress her with fancy wine but, if somehow the stars are aligned and you get a second date, you can’t keep living up to the original expensive bottle, because you are on a fixed income. This is a tough situation, but you can handle it. So let’s head into the war room and get down to business.

Since this clearly is the hottest person you’ve ever been out with, your initial thought might be, “I’m going to get a ridiculously fancy bottle of wine because I need her to stay through dinner.” Imagine: it’s the first night she comes over and you’ve blown your week’s pay on a bottle of Cristal. Although she is very impressed, she doesn’t kiss on the first date and leaves imme¬diately after dinner. There you sit, down $250 and left with nothing but a sink full of dirty dishes. Later in the week you talk to her and set up a second date. Right before your date, she says, “That bottle we had was so good. Can we have it again?”

Well, before you act on bad impulses, just explore some options and think long term.

Phase One:

The Bait and Switch is a great two-pronged plan of attack. First, you get a pretty nice bottle with a name everyone knows. Then, on the second date you replace the fancy bottle with a lesser-known wine that is similar in style. They key to this plan is being able to talk somewhat intelligently about the second bottle. A little BS might not hurt either, but don’t just out¬right lie.

Example:

My first instinct would be to get a rosé Champagne. It’s pink, alcoholic, and bubbly, making it the greatest aphrodisiac known to this world. Veuve Cliquot (the Champagne everyone knows with the yellow label) has just come out with a non-vintage rosé for about $60. This would be a good first bottle to get the ball rolling and land you a second date, thereby completing phase one of the bait and switch.

Phase Two:

You’ve landed the second date. She loved the initial bottle and wants it again. So begins phase two of the bait and switch. The plan here is to replace the expen¬sive and recognizable bottle with a similar bottle that has some differences. This way you can wax intellectual about how you really prefer this style of wine and why. The end result is you’re spending within your budget, she’s im¬pressed with the initial bottle, and your knowledge of wine.

Example:

When she comes over you bring out a bottle of rosé Cava instead. Cristalino makes a decent rosé cava that is usu¬ally available for about $10. Cava is a Spanish sparkler that is made through the same process as Champagne but instead of being made with red and white grapes it is made with all white grapes that are mostly native to Spain. The rosé cavas, instead of getting their color from pinot grapes, usually have still cabernet or garnacha added to the white wine. This generally gives the wine more body. The wine will look similar and although they will taste different, if you get a good bottle there’s no way she’ll like the Veuve and not the cava. Cava tends to taste more fruity, citrusy, and acidic than Cham¬pagnes whose flavors might remind you more of bread dough, apples, or berries. With this in mind you can string together a few comments that might be complete and utter BS, but will sound like you know what you’re talking about.

Below are a few com¬ments to cut out and use as a cheat-sheet during your date:

“Even though the Veuve was great, I just like the cava style so much more. I really like the citrusy aspect of this bottle.”

“This bottle has a great acidic streak that I just didn’t find in that other bottle.”

Please use these ap¬propriately. I don’t con¬done using this kind of language under most circumstances, but when it comes to sealing the deal, anything goes.

This completes phase two, you should now be in the clear as far as buy¬ing a cheap bottle of wine goes. Now you just have to come up with other things to talk about be¬sides Snood.

The rare occasion does arise when you may not want to take your chances with “The Bait and Switch.” Although this plan is nearly foolproof, she might have a family member or for¬mer boyfriend who had expensive tastes and a bank account to match. For these situations, we suggest Plan B.

1. Call Capital One (They pre-approve anyone).
2. Wait 2-3 weeks for your new Capital One Visa Card.
3. Max out said Visa card on really impressive bottles of wine.

If she’s that hot, isn’t credit card debt worth it?