The Second Glass

This is a breakdown of wines based on your social-economic status. If you’re making the do-ray-me then you might as well act like it. On the flip side, if you’re feeling the strain of the economy, you can still drink the good stuff without spending a lot. Here is our list of Wines by Tax Bracket:

The Transient Hobo Life

Less than $5/ bottle

It’s cool you live in a VW Micro Bus and cruise around the country sleeping in parks, going to bluegrass festivals, rock climbing and living what Jerry Garcia would have classified as “a long strange trip.” The office drones are super jealous of you! Unfortunately, unless you’re moving seriously large quantities of ganja or you have a trust fund, you’re not drinking baller wine. That’s fine because most gas stations and barred up liquor stores will carry your eau de vie: MD 20/20.

Upside: Technically it’s wine and at 20% alcohol this shit will get you so fucked up you won’t even remember what it’s like to sleep in clean sheets.

Downside: The hangover is BRUTAL.

The Temp

Less than $10/ bottle

You just graduated college and those pesky student loans officers won’t start bugging you for a few more months. You kind of have a job and who knows, they might hire you any day now. It’s no time to start celebrating as your career is hanging by a thread, but hey, who cares! The world is yours for the taking. That’s why you’re saving your pennies and drinking boxed and jugged wine.

Upside: There are actually a large number of producers cranking out decent wine in boxes and jugs. Boxes will keep for weeks without going bad and the jug will help bring the party of entry-level employees back to your place after Friday night happy hour.

Downside: This stuff isn’t THAT great and it’s no way to impress a date. Plus, the hangover will not be a light one.

The Professional

$10-$20/ bottle

You’re living the American dream! Steady job, you can pay your rent and not crash at a friend’s house when you go on vacation. It also means you can drink some pretty damn good wine. This price range is where all the hidden gems lurk. No need to spend more than this to get a good bottle. Look to less famous regions for amazing bottles. Check out Spain, Portugal, South America, the Pacific Northwest, and less popular regions of France (the Loire Valley, Languedoc, Alsace).

Upside: This is where all young wineries start and there are some great ones. It’s also the price range where some of the top wineries in the world price their “entry level” wines.

Downside: There’s greatness beyond those hills and you can taste the trail. A few more bucks and you can notch your wine drinking significantly.

Management

$20-$50/ bottle

You’re the big cheese with the corner office so you can’t be picking up cases of Yellow Tail while driving your BMW all over town. This price range allows for you to drink the best wines from less famous regions but it also lets you start sampling what some of the better regions of the world have to offer. Go for Spain and Portugal’s Reservas, cult wines from the Northwest, and the higher end vinos from Argentina and Chile. You can also pepper in some recent vintages of Bordeaux and even a Barbaresco or two.

Upside: The possibilities are pretty much endless as almost every region in the world is now open to you. Go crazy and start exploring.

Downside: If the Barolo is on sale you can grab one or two, but you’ll have to throw it in the cellar for a few years. Plus, you can only drink so much Non-Vintage Champagne before you start craving the better stuff.

CEO

$50-$200/ bottle

You worked your way to the top of the corporate latter, you have your own bathroom in the office and a parking spot right in front of the door for your S-Class Benz. You got the cash so might as well spend some of it. You buy a case of Bordeaux at a time and enjoy the good Italian grapes. You dabble with Champangne and sometimes splurge for a bottle of Dom Perignon or Perrier Jouet Flowers. You don’t balk when browsing the California section grabbing name-brand Chardonnays and Cabernets. Now that you’ve made it to the big leagues you can FINALLY start drinking Burgundy and Italy’s famous B’s (Barolo, Barbaresco, Brunello).

Upside: You can simply glance at the price tags in most wine stores without worry.

Downside: Cult wines and most bottles Wine Spectator reviews are still out of reach, despite your $50,000 bonus and indoor swimming pool.

Chairman of the Board

$200+ / bottle

Who gives a shit, it’s just money right! Ha ha ha ha. Congratulations, you can drink anything you want while you’re abusing the company’s Net Jet account. Fly to Barbados for lunch and have dinner in Paris.

Upside: You can explain the “flavor profiles” of Petrus, Screaming Eagle, Chateau Margaux, Harlan Estates and Richbourg to your friends. You have them stocked in your private cellar and pop them open without ceremony. It’s a Tuesday night and you made steak; might as well open an ‘82 Lynch-Bage.

Downside: Just because you have the cash doesn’t mean you can get the wine. This stuff is very rare and if you’re an asshole, no one will sell you their Romanee-Conti. Plus, aren’t there starving children somewhere/ isn’t there ANYTHING more productive you can spend your money on?